Toxic relationships with the self: Negative self talk
In the past two months we have covered multiple kinds of toxic relationships; toxic familial and marital relationships and toxicity in the workplace. Today, we will cover toxic relationships with the self: the inner critic. This is inside of all of us. Our inner voices—that’s our thoughts—can serve a few functions, one it can keep us motivated by making us focus on accomplishing our goal. Another more nefarious result of inner voices is negative self-appraisal. This can make us hesitant to take risks and creates stress. Negative appraisals of ourselves can hinder our interpersonal relationships. It is normal to have self-doubt it becomes problematic when it causes us to miss opportunities and not make decisions at all due to fear of making mistakes.
Our inner voices take on many forms. A voice can say “I am not good enough”. Negative appraisal on our abilities or lack thereof. Another are cruel thoughts such as “I cannot do anything right!” This leads to a feeling of failure whether or not you are really failing. Finally, another type of inner critic is situational, “I am not good at this.” The natural consequence of this is increased depression and anxiety. Another consequence is the feelings of helplessness, a lack of ability to change our lives for the better. This would also lower the likelihood of seeing opportunities that present themselves. We get stuck in our negative thought process. In addition, these voices exclude the possibility that we can learn new skills. It assumes our abilities are finite and static. This of course is not true. If we are determined enough we can learn new skills and enhance our abilities; it just takes effort.
Our inner critic or voices can have a negative effect on our relationships. When a person has a negative self-appraisal of themselves, such as I am boring or I am not interesting, this reduces the persons likelihood of him or her pursuing romantic relationships. When a person with negative self-talk does get into a relationship, they are likely unstable or short lived. A person can become clingy in need of constant reassurance. This can leave their partners who were once supportive to feel overwhelmed and felt burdened by the relationship. It can lead to feelings of emotional fatigue. Another issue in relationships is the person feeling the need to be in control all of the time. When a person is anxious as a result of a negative internal voices can attempt to quell this anxiety by exerting as much control as one can get. A person can make demands of his or her partner. Or excessive nagging and demanding them call you every so often.
The consequences of the negative self-critic can be devastating for marriages. It can create distance between the two parties. A person with negative self-talk tend to think low about themselves due to issues discussed earlier in this piece. A person can think their partners are planning to leave them due to the fact that they might be working late or engaging in activities that does not include the other partner. Their partner might not be thinking of leaving them at all; simply have a need to engage in pleasurable activities by themselves. A person with anxiety or depression due to negative self-talk might ruminate—chew over—on thoughts of self-hatred and loathing. They might respond with accusations or themselves pulling away from the relationship. Another consequence of negative self-critic or self-talk is verbal arguments. A person could feel slighted by the other partner for either what they did or didn’t do. Lack of communication can lead to this. We get caught up in our thoughts that we do not take time to talk to the other person. As a result our ability to empathize with the other person is diminished. Think about it, how can you empathize with a person who is causing you pain (Wilkinson, 2021)? In abusive relationships an abuse victim could stay in a relationship because they feel no one would love them or they do not have the internal resources to care for themselves. Perpetrators of domestic abuse can contribute to established critical voices in their victims. This can be done by criticizing them or the most effective weapon is gaslighting. Gaslighting is where a person can cause their partner to question their reality by constantly contradicting their sensory perceptions.
Negative self talk is learned from a young age and can manifest itself for many year. The process of negative self talk is very quick and most times we don’t know we are doing it. They are many things we can do to fix this. The first thing is to become aware of them. This is where CBT come into play. CBT stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. Here with a licensed or certified therapist, we can make a link between feelings, thoughts and subsequent behaviors. Once we have identified the negative thought patterns, we can examine them and identify its origins. Is it from abuse and neglect or major rejection from a love interest or parental figure. Finally, we can do several things to reverse negative self talk or the negative inner critic. One is simply replace the negative thoughts with a positive one. If for example you feel you are a failure for failing a test; see it as an opportunity for self improvement. Another way to deal with negative self talk is surveying others to see if the negative thought holds true. If it does we can do something about it or accept it and see the truth in it.
Whether you call it a toxic relationship with yourself, negative inner voice, inner critic or negative self-talk, it all can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety. In this blog post we have learned the different types of negative self-talk. Also, what the possible effects are. We have learned also how to correct this as well. Negative self talk can lead to many negative feelings. Although we might have learned his at an early age, it can be unlearned. It is not an easy process by any means, it is possible and positive thinking can lead to a prosperous and positive life.
