Toxic Relationships: Romantic Relationships
Have you ever felt drained in a relationship? Ever feel that you give more than the other person in your relationship does? Do you feel as if you are helpless have low self esteem? Or do you feel like walking on eggshells being careful of what you say or you will risk offending your partner? Well if you said yes to any of this, you might be in a toxic relationship (Lamothe & Raypole, 2022). Being in a toxic relationship isn’t always easy to recognize once you are in it. Its like being in a slowing boiling water. You’d cook to death before you even know you are being boiled. In this blog post we will cover what toxic relationships entail and how to get out of it.
They are many ways to tell if you are in a toxic relationship. Look at the ABCD’s of a toxic relationship and if they are present. A stand for Accusations; if your partner is constantly accusing you of something it can be a sign of a toxic relationship. B this stands for blame. Your partner is blaming you for something and does not take responsibility for any wrong doings in the relationship. C stands for criticisms. Now constructive criticisms can be very helpful in any relationship. It becomes toxic when the criticism does not come from a place of love, care, or concern. It comes from a place of malice. The other person criticizes to make themselves feel superior or to control the other. Finally, D stands for demands. Is the person making demands of your time or other demands and they are not reciprocating? Then this might mean you are in a toxic relationship (Nguyen 2020). No relationship is perfect. Aspects of toxicity will exist in any relationship. The issue is when the elements of toxicity is dominate in the relationship.
Why do people stay in toxic relationships? This is the question many people on the outside of the relationships ask. The answer isn’t that simple. They are many reasons people stay in toxic relationships. Addiction is one reason they stay in the relationship. For example, some people struggle with chemical addiction and their partner could be a main access point for the chemical substance. Another reason a person who is in the toxic relationship stay is they can love aspects of the person. For example, a person can like the way they make her feel during the honeymoon phase of the relationship. They might romanticize the person with who are live or they might hold out hope that they will make that change.
Toxic relationships can take on many forms from the relatively benign not taking the other persons feelings into consideration to physical and emotional abuse. One type of controlling behavior is holding the relationship hostage (Manson, 2020). For example, a woman can say if you really think the relationship is important to you, you’d make more time for me. It is manipulative and exploitative. A fairly common way to hold a relationship hostage is threats of self harm if the other person leaves them.
Jealousy is another way a relationship can become toxic. Although someone can think jealousy is cute and shows that the other person cares for them, nothing can be further from the truth. One of the forms it can take on is controlling behaviours. For example, if a wife is late in coming home the husband will call the wife relentlessly until she answers (Lamothe & Raypole, 2022). When she comes home he’d ask where she been and in reality, she was working late. Another example of this is when a woman is in a relationship and her partner looks at another woman that she preserves a more attractive she would question the nature of the relationship or become insecure. Jealousy is not cute and it shows lack of trust In oneself.
Keeping score of wrongs is another form of toxic a relationship. This is a form of blame. It keep track of preserved mistakes or misbehaviors done by the partner (Tessitore, 2019). This is manipulative behavior. This type of behavior does not solve problems; instead it creates them. It can lead to the partner to walk on eggshells so that they will not make mistakes. Of course this will not work because we will all make a mistake at some point. Another way a relationship can become toxic is toxic communication (Nguyen, 2020).
They are many ways to fix these types of behaviors. Depending on the nature of the toxic relationship it could be worth the effort to fix these behaviors. Absent of any physical or overt emotional abuse this type of relationship could be salvaged. It takes both parties of the relationship to be willing to make the change. One way to fix these relationships is through non violent communication. The use of I statements is a common tactic used by therapists. Couples therapy can be used as well. In this type of therapy, couples would learn DBT or CBT skills to help foster communication skills. Deep reflection and introspection is required to make the needed changes to end a toxic relationship.
In some cases however, the best way to fix a toxic relationship is to end it. This can be difficult especially in cases of intimate partner violence. Some people would ask would therapy help in these situations. Therapy is contraindicated in all domestic violence cases. If you find yourself in intimate partner violence just know it is not your fault. Seek help from a professional or a friend. One can also find a woman’s shelter or call a crisis hotline. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or SMS text START at 88788.
Being in a toxic relationship can be very difficult. If you are in such a relationship, there is hope. Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help from a professional or a friend. There is always hope and you do not have to be in this alone!
References
Cindy Lamothe & Crystal Raypole Healthline.com Is your Relationship Toxic What to Look For January 11, 2022
Elisabeth Tessitore Human Networks and Toxic Relationships. University of Vergata in Rome July 2018.
Julie Nguyen Mindbodygreen.com Ten Necessary Steps to Fix a Toxic Relationship April 26, 2020
